Jan 21, 2020

 by Debbie Basom

If you are a female who idealizes That Woman, you know the one on Social Media or That Woman at your kids’ school picking up her well-groomed offspring, it can be overwhelming.

That Woman looks fabulous and together. She’s into Pilates or running or Crossfit or kale juice or something else that seems to keep her full of energy.

She’s a lawyer or a neurosurgeon or an international diplomat or perhaps a stay-at-home mother, but whatever she does, it appears she excels at it and is fulfilled. She uses hashtags like #honored and #grateful and #blessed.

Meanwhile, you’re shoving aside banana peels and empty soda cups to make room for your kid’s dog-hair-encrusted car seat. Or you’re wearing your husband’s track pant bottoms because you’re ”just” working around the house and they’re the only things that fit you right now.

If only we could become That Woman.

They’re OK. Awesome, even.

And we’re not.

Right?

Wrong.

This might sound kind of weird, but…we are here to tell you...

As coaches, we know the secrets.

We have worked with 100’s of women, and we know all their secrets.

Now, this doesn’t mean we’re creepy creepers. We’re discreet and committed to confidentiality.

But, at some point, clients have to open up and tell us honestly what’s going on, so that we can help.

That’s when it gets real.

And that’s when we both learn:  Everyone is not OK.

If you don’t have the big picture, as we do, it seems like Everyone Else is doing so much better than you.

It seems like Everyone Else can handle their lives. Everyone Else quickly learns the habits we teach.

Everyone Else is losing weight or gaining muscle or getting fitter so much faster and more effortlessly than you. Everyone Else has everything you don’t.

It feels like you are the only person in the world with your problems.

The truth is:  There is no Everyone Else.

There are only imperfect, wonderful, messy, very-much-human beings with hopes and fears and desires and neuroses and jobs and lives, husbands and kids, dogs or cats and family demands and toilets that need unclogging and lines-becoming-wrinkles and back aches and alarms that go off too early and a love of chocolate-chip cookies… and all the rest of reality.

Like you.

Like me.

Like all of us.

In other words…

• We can stop worrying about being the only woman who isn’t fit enough, smart enough, together enough, getting enough things done in a day, a good enough mom / wife / employee, whatever.
• We can pursue fitness, nutrition, and health goals that are actually realistic and attainable—and feel good about what we do instead of inadequate.

Here are 7 ways to start feeling more OK, right now, in your own imperfect, messy life.

1. Reboot your expectations.

Getting into reasonable, moderate shape isn’t too complicated.

All you need are small consistent changes here and there. Walking the dog after dinner, perhaps a bi-weekly class at the gym, or packing an apple in your lunch will generally do the trick.

Getting into pretty good shape is a little trickier, but can be done if you’re committed.

You might need to focus more on food quality and portion sizes, work out a bit more, be more careful with your indulgences. Still, do-able if you’re so inclined.

Getting into film-shoot-ready or magazine-cover-ready shape is a whole other game.

You give up your life to do this.  You eat out of Tupperware. You measure everything that goes into your mouth. Your entire routine revolves around eating (or not eating), working out, and sleeping so you have enough energy to work out again.

Now here’s the secret.

Women in the third group—the ones we often imagine are Everyone Else—are professionals who make their living that way.  99.99% of you are not those women.

In short:

• Getting into slightly better shape, or a slightly healthier routine, doesn’t take much effort. That may be what is realistic for most of us, right now.
• Getting into pretty good shape takes sacrifice… and kinda sucks sometimes. It might not be worth it for most of us, right now.
• Getting into epic shape takes massive change, discipline, time and a lot of sacrifice. It’s hard work mentally & physically!  Not a place most of us are willing to go, right now.

So if magazine covers are off the table at the moment, what can you do?

2. Find realistic role models.

There are more “fit and healthy” people than you imagine. They might not look like you expect.

“Fit and healthy” comes in many sizes, shapes, and abilities.

Look around.

The gray-haired woman standing at the bus stop. Did you know that despite her arthritis, she goes to her dance fitness class four times a week?

Your child’s preschool teacher. She only has 20 minutes a day to exercise, but she does them faithfully, hitting her exercise bike while watching Netflix every day before she comes to teach. (Then she tries to spend all recess playing tag with 4-year-olds.)

What if you shifted your perspective to “a little bit better”, or “trying”?

What if you looked for small moments of health, fitness, and wellness everywhere?

What if you focused on doing what you could, just today, anyway?

3. Embrace the struggle.

It’s not going anywhere.

Grappling with pain—whether that’s actual pain and suffering, or just small daily annoyances—is part of being human.

As adults, we recognize life’s complexity and richness. Wanting to “be perfect” or “have it all” is not an adult wish. It’s a child wish: to have all the toys, all the time, even her sister’s.

Everyone has a struggle. You might just not see it.

For instance:

• About 46 percent of the U.S. population uses one or more prescription medication.
• 16.5 percent of females compared to just under 9 percent of males are more likely to be taking antidepressants, according to WebMD.
• 36 percent of fitness clients have injuries. And many struggle with pain, of some sort.
• 65 percent of our female clients are over 50 years old. (Even if you’re healthy, age brings its own challenges.)

These challenges are invisible.  You often can’t see pain or disability. You often can’t see psychological distress.

And guess what—the Tone Zone Team struggles with the exact same things.

• We have injuries. Or had them. Or will have them.
• We’ve struggled with mental and emotional health sometimes.
• We’ve struggled with addictions—whether that’s to work, exercise, food.
• We’ve gained too much weight, or gone weeks or months without working out.
• We’ve been the ones wearing the big baggy sweatpants! ☹

No matter what the challenge is, we have faced it..and we certainly aren’t getting any younger.

4. Recognize and respect your not-OK-ness.

It’s OK to not be OK. None of us are 100 percent OK.

Pay attention to your “dashboard indicator lights”.

For instance, if you’re experiencing things like:

• insomnia or poor quality sleep
• pain or lack of mobility
• injuries and/or illnesses
• depression, anxiety, or other concerns
• social isolation and/or relationship difficulties
• chronic lethargy and lack of energy
• concerns with food, eating, and/or exercise that seem to be taking over your life and/or harming your health…

… then you could probably benefit from making some changes.

Sometimes, being in the depths of not-OK—for instance, having a debilitating gym injury, getting a scary medical diagnosis, or ending a relationship—is exactly the wake-up call we need to start working on being a little more OK.

5. Learn to be OK with being “not OK”.

Life is never going to be completely OK, 100 percent of the time.

The trick is to learn how to be OK with that not-OK, and work on making things just a little bit better.

You might hear phrases like:

• Step into the discomfort.
• Let things be a bit messy.
• You are human. You are normal. You are not a weirdo. You are not alone.

You might also hear questions like:

• How might you make things a little bit simpler for yourself?
• What does it feel like to sit with the discomfort of change?
• How could you stretch yourself just a bit?

6. Take small steps towards slightly more OK.

If there’s a lot of invisible suffering in the world, there are also a lot of invisible successes and joys too.

Nobody besides you, inside your brain, sees you grappling with the “right choice” in a situation where you don’t have to make the right choice.

And when you make that right choice… BE proud of yourself for sticking to your values.

Maybe that “right choice” was pausing for ten seconds to review what matters most to you, and not grabbing that bag of M&M’s.

Maybe you were just following your shopping list when you grabbed those leafy greens.

Do you think that effort was small, and it didn’t “count”?

Our coaching secret answer: that’s the step that leads to success!  All the small things.

Success comes from putting small things on top of small things on top of small things, to achieve success. 

7. Find your work-arounds.

Do you need accommodation or help? Find it. Get it.

Work on creating a system that helps you to help yourself.

• If you have one body part that’s not working very well, explore other movement options, or workouts that don’t depend on that body part.
• If you don’t like cooking alone or working out alone, find someone else to do this with. Grab a buddy for Sunday chili-making day, or hit a group class for your workout.
• If you’re having trouble “finding time” for things, get out a calendar and start planning ahead. Book appointments for everything, even grocery shopping & working out. Track your time use so that you know when you’re wasting time. Then, set alarms and reminders, stick up Post-it notes, and carve out 15 minutes a day to ditch Facebook and walk the local park or try a hike you’ve been thinking about.

Another coaching secret: Most people aren’t “naturally” good at most things.

The people who look like they’ve got it all together are good at getting help, and/or have a trusted system to guide them.

When we start accepting our own limitations—our own “not-OKness”—that’s when we start making changes for the better.

We embrace the small improvements that add up over time to success.

We treat ourselves with more compassion and evolve past an “all or nothing” attitude.

We pick ourselves up after we fall down, and we make course corrections when we need to.

And we ask for help when we need it.

What to do next??

Calibrate your expectations and check your blind spots.

What are you trying to do? Write out the things you are trying to accomplish or achieve right now.

Now review those expectations.

Would a sane, kind, wise friend or mentor tell you those expectations are realistic?

(If you have a sane, kind, wise friend or mentor, ask them for advice.)

Then, if appropriate, consider how could you adjust them to make them more realistic and attainable?

Consider a few small next steps.

Action is the antidote to paralysis.

Whatever you can do, no matter how tiny, do something, even when things don’t feel OK at all.

Assemble your team.

Do you need to add people to your “Project OK” team? Such as a trusted buddy or family member, a coach, counselor, or other health care provider?

If so, find them and recruit them to Project OK.

Ask for what you need. Let them help.

Start building a system.

This is not a do-it-yourself project. Nor does OK happen spontaneously.

Along with helpers, you need systems to be OK. Things that remind you, guide you, help you, fill in the gaps for you, and generally help you stay more or less on track.

Want help looking and feeling your best?

Need some help figuring out what’s “OK” for you? Would you benefit from some support, guidance, and strategies for living better within the context of your life?

If so we’ll soon be accepting a group of new clients into our Tone Zone Jump Start program.

If you’re interested and want to find out more, I’d encourage you to join our presale list.

Being on the presale list gives you two special advantages.

• You’ll pay less than everyone else. At Tone Zone we appreciate interested and motivated women. Join the presale list and you’ll save up to 52% off the general public price, which is the lowest price we’ve ever offered, including more benefits.
• You’re more likely to get a spot. To give clients the personal care and attention they deserve, we only open up the program to 20 women each year. Last time we opened registration, we sold out within minutes. By joining the presale list you’ll get the opportunity to register days before everyone else, increasing your chances of getting in.

In the end, if you’re ready to feel more ‘OK’ and start eating, moving, and living better, this is your chance to get help from Mesa's premier womens coaching team.

With Health & Happiness Always,

Tone Zone Team